Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh god it's open bar.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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