After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
