I'm lost and stupid without you.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
