So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
