Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize