seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
