season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
