I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize