I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
