I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
