I wanna bring you to show and tell
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sorry about my life...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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