Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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