I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just invented taco cereal.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
