It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
