Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
