also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
