today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
