Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
