My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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