Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
