So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
