the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
