hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
