I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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