Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
