Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
