My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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