Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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