I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
