I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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