the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize