Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
