If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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