Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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