Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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