Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
