I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
