it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
