Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
