where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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