The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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