I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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