first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
