I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
