im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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