Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
