Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The struggles of a small town man whore
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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