remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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