I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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