Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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