I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
