there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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