I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
