took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I've blown a few things in my day
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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