dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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