just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
