I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
