69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Randomize
