using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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