Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize