If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
