GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
