i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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