Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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