I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
