On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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