it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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