seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
