I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
