I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
