I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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