I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
