True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize