New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
