Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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