What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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