Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
