I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
